Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Quality Time Love Language: Not Just a Cliche.

Ok. This is my second post on one of the five love languages. They make people so much less confusing. Here we go:

Quality time is a real love language. Most people are at least a little bit of a quality time speaker. Still, it is some people's primary love language. (I happen to be bilingual: physical touch and quality time.) What does quality time mean? "Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention." (5lovelanguages.com) Ok, sounds simple enough, right? Then why do so many people struggle with it? It's a love language that is taken for granted, and is often brushed off as a cliche. Don't fall into this trap. Everyone deserves to be spoken to in their love language.

1. Spending time together.
Duh. QT speakers want to spend time with the people they love. They can't get enough of them. That means that if you don't see them often, make an effort to set aside a time when you can hang out with them. This is SO important. Taking a few hours to hang out with them is the same as giving a Gift Speaker an expensive present. I don't want to say that QT speakers are simple, because to them, time isn't simple. Time is a valuable commodity that isn't renewable (Thank you, APES.) It's limited and precious. The fact that you gave some of yours to them is so meaningful to them. Them giving some of theirs to you is the same to them again as giving you that expensive present.

2. Conversation.
Now, just being with the person isn't often what they have in mind. A QT will want to talk to you about their life - their likes and dislikes, the events, fears, goals, etc. Not everyone likes to talk about these things. QT speakers do. Not only should you at least listen, but try to share in return. That trust is something they crave. It's not just being there with them - it's also looking in their eyes and showing them you're interested.

3. Make spending time with them a priority.
If you want to have a close relationship with a QT, you're going to have to make choices about how you spend your time. If you think you're busy, guess what? So are they. They just make spending time with their loved ones a priority. They may choose spending time with them over other opportunities or things they may enjoy (like, sleep, or watching that show they've been counting down to). You mean that much to them. Don't abuse that.

4. Commitments.
This means that most QT speakers make plans and are hurt if people blow them off. I can think of a few times when my heart was broken by friends backing out of plans last minute. They didn't mean to hurt me, it wasn't anything personal, but try telling that to a QT speaker. It may not be personal, but that's how they take it. It's like the PT speaker with "play fighting." Keep your promises. It again is showing that you care enough about your QT to value their time.

Basically, QT speakers need you to realize that you are important to them. You can't "buy" their love with a gift or a letter. Relationship wise, a date is so much better than a gift. The fact that you would drop whatever you were doing in their time of need is so precious to them. I am a QT speaker, and I personally know how much it hurts to be stood up, and what it feels like to have people come to you as soon as they can when you need them. I love photographs, because it helps me remember those times I spent with friends. Some of my friends ask me how I remember every time we spent together, and it is because it's valuable to me. If you just "forget" a happy time, it says to a QT how little it mattered to you. I save memories like some people save notes and cards.

This is who I am. It may be who you are. It is probably someone you know. Be sensitive and look for ways to express love in a way that your loved one will understand.

Think about it.

For more on the Five Love Languages, including the love language assessment test, go to www.5lovelanguages.com.


  1. This is one of the most lucid explanations of QT that I've ever seen. Thank you for helping me to understand myself a little better!

  2. Sarah. Fluent in physical touch. I laughed a little inside.