I feel the need to explain something quickly:
If I worry about you, it's because I love you. I'm not trying to be condescending, rude, controlling, or your mom. I just love you. I get concerned because I see your potential. I see the light in your eyes, and I can get frustrated when you don't live up to it. I understand it may seem like a lot of pressure, and you're not accountable to me. It's personal life choices between you and Heavenly Father (sometimes your parents too). If I am your friend, though, that means that I have a responsibility to you to help you be the best person you can be. That is my job. You have the responsibility to do so for me as well. I expect constructive criticism. Let me emphasize: CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I have gotten quite a lot of gaff the last few days from people that was not constructive at all - just mean. Please be careful about what you say. You never know how it affects people. Maybe one day I'll let you know some of the ways I have been impacted by what people say, but it's a little too raw right now. I'm definitely not perfect, and I make mistakes, but let me be the best friend I can be.
Lots of love,
S
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The Quality Time Love Language: Not Just a Cliche.
Ok. This is my second post on one of the five love languages. They make people so much less confusing. Here we go:
Quality time is a real love language. Most people are at least a little bit of a quality time speaker. Still, it is some people's primary love language. (I happen to be bilingual: physical touch and quality time.) What does quality time mean? "Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention." (5lovelanguages.com) Ok, sounds simple enough, right? Then why do so many people struggle with it? It's a love language that is taken for granted, and is often brushed off as a cliche. Don't fall into this trap. Everyone deserves to be spoken to in their love language.
1. Spending time together.
Duh. QT speakers want to spend time with the people they love. They can't get enough of them. That means that if you don't see them often, make an effort to set aside a time when you can hang out with them. This is SO important. Taking a few hours to hang out with them is the same as giving a Gift Speaker an expensive present. I don't want to say that QT speakers are simple, because to them, time isn't simple. Time is a valuable commodity that isn't renewable (Thank you, APES.) It's limited and precious. The fact that you gave some of yours to them is so meaningful to them. Them giving some of theirs to you is the same to them again as giving you that expensive present.
2. Conversation.
Now, just being with the person isn't often what they have in mind. A QT will want to talk to you about their life - their likes and dislikes, the events, fears, goals, etc. Not everyone likes to talk about these things. QT speakers do. Not only should you at least listen, but try to share in return. That trust is something they crave. It's not just being there with them - it's also looking in their eyes and showing them you're interested.
3. Make spending time with them a priority.
If you want to have a close relationship with a QT, you're going to have to make choices about how you spend your time. If you think you're busy, guess what? So are they. They just make spending time with their loved ones a priority. They may choose spending time with them over other opportunities or things they may enjoy (like, sleep, or watching that show they've been counting down to). You mean that much to them. Don't abuse that.
4. Commitments.
This means that most QT speakers make plans and are hurt if people blow them off. I can think of a few times when my heart was broken by friends backing out of plans last minute. They didn't mean to hurt me, it wasn't anything personal, but try telling that to a QT speaker. It may not be personal, but that's how they take it. It's like the PT speaker with "play fighting." Keep your promises. It again is showing that you care enough about your QT to value their time.
Basically, QT speakers need you to realize that you are important to them. You can't "buy" their love with a gift or a letter. Relationship wise, a date is so much better than a gift. The fact that you would drop whatever you were doing in their time of need is so precious to them. I am a QT speaker, and I personally know how much it hurts to be stood up, and what it feels like to have people come to you as soon as they can when you need them. I love photographs, because it helps me remember those times I spent with friends. Some of my friends ask me how I remember every time we spent together, and it is because it's valuable to me. If you just "forget" a happy time, it says to a QT how little it mattered to you. I save memories like some people save notes and cards.
This is who I am. It may be who you are. It is probably someone you know. Be sensitive and look for ways to express love in a way that your loved one will understand.
Think about it.
For more on the Five Love Languages, including the love language assessment test, go to www.5lovelanguages.com.
Quality time is a real love language. Most people are at least a little bit of a quality time speaker. Still, it is some people's primary love language. (I happen to be bilingual: physical touch and quality time.) What does quality time mean? "Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention." (5lovelanguages.com) Ok, sounds simple enough, right? Then why do so many people struggle with it? It's a love language that is taken for granted, and is often brushed off as a cliche. Don't fall into this trap. Everyone deserves to be spoken to in their love language.
1. Spending time together.
Duh. QT speakers want to spend time with the people they love. They can't get enough of them. That means that if you don't see them often, make an effort to set aside a time when you can hang out with them. This is SO important. Taking a few hours to hang out with them is the same as giving a Gift Speaker an expensive present. I don't want to say that QT speakers are simple, because to them, time isn't simple. Time is a valuable commodity that isn't renewable (Thank you, APES.) It's limited and precious. The fact that you gave some of yours to them is so meaningful to them. Them giving some of theirs to you is the same to them again as giving you that expensive present.
2. Conversation.
Now, just being with the person isn't often what they have in mind. A QT will want to talk to you about their life - their likes and dislikes, the events, fears, goals, etc. Not everyone likes to talk about these things. QT speakers do. Not only should you at least listen, but try to share in return. That trust is something they crave. It's not just being there with them - it's also looking in their eyes and showing them you're interested.
3. Make spending time with them a priority.
If you want to have a close relationship with a QT, you're going to have to make choices about how you spend your time. If you think you're busy, guess what? So are they. They just make spending time with their loved ones a priority. They may choose spending time with them over other opportunities or things they may enjoy (like, sleep, or watching that show they've been counting down to). You mean that much to them. Don't abuse that.
4. Commitments.
This means that most QT speakers make plans and are hurt if people blow them off. I can think of a few times when my heart was broken by friends backing out of plans last minute. They didn't mean to hurt me, it wasn't anything personal, but try telling that to a QT speaker. It may not be personal, but that's how they take it. It's like the PT speaker with "play fighting." Keep your promises. It again is showing that you care enough about your QT to value their time.
Basically, QT speakers need you to realize that you are important to them. You can't "buy" their love with a gift or a letter. Relationship wise, a date is so much better than a gift. The fact that you would drop whatever you were doing in their time of need is so precious to them. I am a QT speaker, and I personally know how much it hurts to be stood up, and what it feels like to have people come to you as soon as they can when you need them. I love photographs, because it helps me remember those times I spent with friends. Some of my friends ask me how I remember every time we spent together, and it is because it's valuable to me. If you just "forget" a happy time, it says to a QT how little it mattered to you. I save memories like some people save notes and cards.
This is who I am. It may be who you are. It is probably someone you know. Be sensitive and look for ways to express love in a way that your loved one will understand.
Think about it.
For more on the Five Love Languages, including the love language assessment test, go to www.5lovelanguages.com.
Monday, May 14, 2012
"Why Didn't You Leave?!"
"Because... you said we were friends."
So, I start with a Community quote today. People have a limited vocabulary these days. In general, they don't know enough words to completely express their thoughts. They have to repeat words over and over again. The ironic thing, then, is the total lack of respect and reverence for words that should have meaning, such as "love", "promise", or "friend." One reason why there is so much drama in the world is that people don't know the meanings of these words. If people realized that words have meaning beyond the superficial, the world would be a better place. Friendship is worth more than just someone you hang out with. Love is more than just someone you make out with or have dinner with. A promise is more than saying you'll do something if it's convenient.
It is all a matter of simple economics. If you print too much money, the value of each dollar goes down. If you use a word too much, its value decreases.
The fact that we use the term "friend" on Facebook to refer to people we pass in hallways or met "one time at this party" belittles the real meaning of "friendship." I have friends I would die for. I have friends who have dropped everything to come be with me on a horrible day. I have friends whose Eagle projects I have worked HOURS on. I have friends with whom I exchange birthday gifts with even though we didn't have parties. I have friends who hate the guy who hurt me more than I do. THOSE are my friends. Can we please bring the term "acquaintance" back into everyday use? That what you call people you know from a dance, or a class, or someone you didn't really talk to at a summer camp.
Promises are another issue today. In the scriptures, you can see examples of times when battles ended because one side promised the other that they would never attack again. Another time, leaders of an army refused to make a promise that they would never battle the other again, because they knew their people would not be able to keep it. They did this even though their lives were on the line. Promises used to be a big deal. If someone promised something, they did it. End of story. There just isn't that level of integrity today. I've written a lot about honesty and integrity recently, so feel free to browse April's posts to find my two cents.
"Love". Jordan from Messy Monday has some great things to say in his video Like vs. Love. (He's a little excited in this video, so don't let it throw you off.) He's 100% right, though. People struggle with being able to distinguish when to use "like" and when to use "love." It's really too bad. It leads to all sorts of problems. How do you tell friends you actually care a great deal about that you love them when you just said that you "loved" that new gum you just tried? Yeah, not going to happen. Another problem is one that teenagers are facing now. How do you tell that special person that you care for them more than just "friends." Teenagers should NOT be telling each other that they are "in love." I'm sorry, but it leads to misunderstanding and confusion. I believe that real "teen romantic love" exists and happens, but that's the small minority of the time. The problem we have now is that they use the word "love" cheaply, and then have to resort to physical means to express deeper feeling. That leads to problems of its own. Can't we learn from Melville's "Billy Budd" and recognize that nothing good ever comes when words are taken away??
I wish everyone would read this and understand where I'm coming from. The quote in the title reminds me of a situation I was recently in. It was not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. That's the problem with trying hard to bring the true meanings of these words back - you sometimes get messed with by people who don't understand. But hey, you'll find people who are true friends, who love you dearly, and will keep the promises they make to you. I know that.
Think about it.
So, I start with a Community quote today. People have a limited vocabulary these days. In general, they don't know enough words to completely express their thoughts. They have to repeat words over and over again. The ironic thing, then, is the total lack of respect and reverence for words that should have meaning, such as "love", "promise", or "friend." One reason why there is so much drama in the world is that people don't know the meanings of these words. If people realized that words have meaning beyond the superficial, the world would be a better place. Friendship is worth more than just someone you hang out with. Love is more than just someone you make out with or have dinner with. A promise is more than saying you'll do something if it's convenient.
It is all a matter of simple economics. If you print too much money, the value of each dollar goes down. If you use a word too much, its value decreases.
The fact that we use the term "friend" on Facebook to refer to people we pass in hallways or met "one time at this party" belittles the real meaning of "friendship." I have friends I would die for. I have friends who have dropped everything to come be with me on a horrible day. I have friends whose Eagle projects I have worked HOURS on. I have friends with whom I exchange birthday gifts with even though we didn't have parties. I have friends who hate the guy who hurt me more than I do. THOSE are my friends. Can we please bring the term "acquaintance" back into everyday use? That what you call people you know from a dance, or a class, or someone you didn't really talk to at a summer camp.
Promises are another issue today. In the scriptures, you can see examples of times when battles ended because one side promised the other that they would never attack again. Another time, leaders of an army refused to make a promise that they would never battle the other again, because they knew their people would not be able to keep it. They did this even though their lives were on the line. Promises used to be a big deal. If someone promised something, they did it. End of story. There just isn't that level of integrity today. I've written a lot about honesty and integrity recently, so feel free to browse April's posts to find my two cents.
"Love". Jordan from Messy Monday has some great things to say in his video Like vs. Love. (He's a little excited in this video, so don't let it throw you off.) He's 100% right, though. People struggle with being able to distinguish when to use "like" and when to use "love." It's really too bad. It leads to all sorts of problems. How do you tell friends you actually care a great deal about that you love them when you just said that you "loved" that new gum you just tried? Yeah, not going to happen. Another problem is one that teenagers are facing now. How do you tell that special person that you care for them more than just "friends." Teenagers should NOT be telling each other that they are "in love." I'm sorry, but it leads to misunderstanding and confusion. I believe that real "teen romantic love" exists and happens, but that's the small minority of the time. The problem we have now is that they use the word "love" cheaply, and then have to resort to physical means to express deeper feeling. That leads to problems of its own. Can't we learn from Melville's "Billy Budd" and recognize that nothing good ever comes when words are taken away??
I wish everyone would read this and understand where I'm coming from. The quote in the title reminds me of a situation I was recently in. It was not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. That's the problem with trying hard to bring the true meanings of these words back - you sometimes get messed with by people who don't understand. But hey, you'll find people who are true friends, who love you dearly, and will keep the promises they make to you. I know that.
Think about it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
weorþnes.
Starting to see a theme this month? Entirely unintentional. Might as well make the most of it.
One thing I've learned in my life is the value of integrity. What is "integrity?" Well, dictionary.com says:
in·teg·ri·ty/inˈtegritē/
We'll focus more on the first one right now. "Having strong moral principles...." That reminds me of Merlin, and Prince Arthur. I think of the Knights of Camelot - willing to lay down their lives for the abstract concepts of justice, honor, loyalty, love. Arthur is willing to run straight into danger time after time. Lancelot is willing to sacrifice his life for the safety of others. Merlin lives a life of constant danger and secrecy because of a promise he made to Arthur, Giaus, the Dragon, and himself.
Enough being a nerd, the point is that they are examples of integrity. They believe something, and stand up for it, even when their lives are on the line.
I believe that integrity isn't just something in "a land of myth and a time of magic" (...And I said I was done being a nerd - DANG IT). I believe that it exists in our world. I believe that it is a talent that must be developed. I know that every person is on a different place on the journey. Still, I think that people should NEVER sell their integrity because of cowardice. The Abraham Lincoln quote I have in the previous post (titled I-N-T-R-O-D-U-C-T-I-O-N) declares that not only telling a lie is dishonest, but hiding the truth is as well. It's not only dishonest, but is immature and cowardly. Harsh? Maybe so. But I believe in telling people what they deserve to hear. Things are so much better when people are honest.
Think about it.
P.S. Is it ironic that "integrity" in Old English is a strong feminine noun? No.
One thing I've learned in my life is the value of integrity. What is "integrity?" Well, dictionary.com says:
in·teg·ri·ty/inˈtegritē/
| Noun: |
| |
| Synonyms: |
honesty - probity - entirety - rectitude - wholeness
| |
We'll focus more on the first one right now. "Having strong moral principles...." That reminds me of Merlin, and Prince Arthur. I think of the Knights of Camelot - willing to lay down their lives for the abstract concepts of justice, honor, loyalty, love. Arthur is willing to run straight into danger time after time. Lancelot is willing to sacrifice his life for the safety of others. Merlin lives a life of constant danger and secrecy because of a promise he made to Arthur, Giaus, the Dragon, and himself.
Enough being a nerd, the point is that they are examples of integrity. They believe something, and stand up for it, even when their lives are on the line.
I believe that integrity isn't just something in "a land of myth and a time of magic" (...And I said I was done being a nerd - DANG IT). I believe that it exists in our world. I believe that it is a talent that must be developed. I know that every person is on a different place on the journey. Still, I think that people should NEVER sell their integrity because of cowardice. The Abraham Lincoln quote I have in the previous post (titled I-N-T-R-O-D-U-C-T-I-O-N) declares that not only telling a lie is dishonest, but hiding the truth is as well. It's not only dishonest, but is immature and cowardly. Harsh? Maybe so. But I believe in telling people what they deserve to hear. Things are so much better when people are honest.
Think about it.
P.S. Is it ironic that "integrity" in Old English is a strong feminine noun? No.
Monday, April 23, 2012
I-N-T-R-O-D-U-C-T-I-O-N
I have so much to write about, and no idea where to start. Here's an intro to the next post:
"Silence makes cowards of the best men." - Abraham Lincoln
Ooo... Curious? You should be. Catch me next time with: "Why Silence Isn't Always the Key to Happiness."
"Silence makes cowards of the best men." - Abraham Lincoln
Ooo... Curious? You should be. Catch me next time with: "Why Silence Isn't Always the Key to Happiness."
Monday, April 16, 2012
A Thought for Today
"A man has not only a right to express his thoughts, but it is his duty to do so." - Percy Shelley
Next time someone asks your opinion of something - give it! It's your responsibility to stand up for what you believe. Remember to take time to THINK. Raise your voice. Make a difference.
Next time someone asks your opinion of something - give it! It's your responsibility to stand up for what you believe. Remember to take time to THINK. Raise your voice. Make a difference.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
I've Got A Dream...
I've been letting things go. I'm going to have totally different experiences. I'm letting go of some relationships that aren't working out. I'm picking myself up and "marchin' on." (Nod to OneRepublic.) And I started realizing things about myself that I never noticed before. Most importantly, I figured out dreams that I had not been acknowledging. Wow. That's a lot. Not that these people and things were holding me back, but I was holding myself to a certain direction for them.
A dream I realized: I want to start a school.
I want to buy an old estate with a big house and a stable and start a school. I want there to be "houses" like in Harry Potter and Anne of Green Gables. I want to teach the Classics.I want there to be music, art, geography, history, government, theatre - things that sometimes get overlooked. I want my science classes to be balanced, with opportunity to learn science without worrying about politics. I want girls to learn horseback riding, archery, and baking, and the boys to learn fencing, home-repair, and outdoor skills. Everyone learns basic cooking, ballroom dancing, and swimming. I want to have respect, responsibility, and fun all on the same level of importance. I want to create a place where kids can run around and have fun, and think that learning is fun and exciting. (Which it totally is.) A place where they can think seriously about their futures without feeling pressured to take paths that aren't for them. A place where the trades are just as valuable as college. I want a place where kids are presented with information, and they can decide what to do with it, and learn how to form their own opinions. I love the dream of it. I hope I can create this place, even on a small scale for my kids or students.
See the things you learn about yourself when you move on? Sometimes it's painful, but it may be surprising what you discover when you shove off from the familiar shore.
Peace from the East,
S
A dream I realized: I want to start a school.
I want to buy an old estate with a big house and a stable and start a school. I want there to be "houses" like in Harry Potter and Anne of Green Gables. I want to teach the Classics.I want there to be music, art, geography, history, government, theatre - things that sometimes get overlooked. I want my science classes to be balanced, with opportunity to learn science without worrying about politics. I want girls to learn horseback riding, archery, and baking, and the boys to learn fencing, home-repair, and outdoor skills. Everyone learns basic cooking, ballroom dancing, and swimming. I want to have respect, responsibility, and fun all on the same level of importance. I want to create a place where kids can run around and have fun, and think that learning is fun and exciting. (Which it totally is.) A place where they can think seriously about their futures without feeling pressured to take paths that aren't for them. A place where the trades are just as valuable as college. I want a place where kids are presented with information, and they can decide what to do with it, and learn how to form their own opinions. I love the dream of it. I hope I can create this place, even on a small scale for my kids or students.
See the things you learn about yourself when you move on? Sometimes it's painful, but it may be surprising what you discover when you shove off from the familiar shore.
Peace from the East,
S
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