I had a moment today in which I was completely out of control. I was not in any position whatsoever to control what happened to me in that moment. I was in the hands of someone else, and I had to deal with it. I'm not a fan of those moments. I guess I can now relate to my mom when I drive. (Haha. Ha. ha.) Still, those moments come. We have to just take a breath and know that it'll be ok, and if it's not, we did something hard for us individually. Sometimes, we've got to let go and LIVE. It's hard. I like having things go my way. I like being in control. I know I probably come off sometimes as a stick in the mud, or as too intense, but it's because I want to avoid future regret. Valid, right? I obviously think so.
It's been scary for me to let myself form deep bonds with other people, because then I'm not in charge. There are more variables than I can control. But, you know what? It's been awesome. Sometimes, I've gotten hurt. I trust easily, and when I'm betrayed or mistreated, (which happens more than I'd like), it's harder for me to trust that person that easily again. Yet, I constantly find myself back where I started with some of these people. I think, "So-and-so has hurt me so many times before. They have used me and ignored me," but I end up forgiving and then getting hurt by the same person. Maybe I'm not vocal enough?? I'm not sure. But I love people. That's a good thing, right?
The reason it's been awesome is that as I lose control, I gain control. I am able to put my heart in someone else's hands, and then know how to respond if something happens. I'm trying my best to be able to discern who is trustworthy and who is not. I have been taught so many lessons by both types of these people.
(Let me clarify: losing control does not refer to control of my faculties or my behavior. One must always be able to make the best decisions and keep their high standards.)
So, basically, this super random ranting can be boiled down to two points:
1. Sometimes in life, we have to do scary things that deal with things and people bigger than ourselves, including what God wants us to do.
2. I'm still learning how to work with people when I do make myself vulnerable to them. I can't control what they do, but I can control how I respond.
I imagine driving down the road in the rain, and all of a sudden, the brakes lock up. "Jesus, take the wheel!" is the cry that goes up to Heaven. If you ask, he always will. You'll have several moments of uncertainty as you slide atop the pavement, but in the end, the Master is in charge - right where he belongs.